Pasadena Presbyterian Church
Sermon Text
Sunday, April 27, 2008  

 "Valuing Family Values"
preached by Dr. Barbara A. Anderson

Scriptures:  
Exodus 20:1-17 

“Then God spoke all these words:

            I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me.

            You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

            You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

            Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work.  But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work–you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.  For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and consecrated it.

            Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

            You shall not murder.

            You shall not commit adultery.

            You shall not steal.

            You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

            You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

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Ephesians 5:21 - 6:4

           “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior.  Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

            Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind–yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish.  In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body.  ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  This is a great mystery, and I m applying it to Christ and the church.  Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

            Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  ‘Honor you father and mother’–this is the first commandment with a promise: ‘so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’

            And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”             

Genesis 1:26a, 27, 31a --“Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness....so God created humankind in God’s image....God blessed them.... and indeed it was very good.” 

During the years of the Vietnam War, 58,000 Americans were killed in combat.  During the same time period, 54,000 American women were killed by their husband or boyfriend–a staggering, invisible figure.  Most abused partners are women, but 5-15% are men.  Research has shown that verbal abuse is as harmful to the victim as is physical abuse. 

Luke 4:18--“The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives, to let the oppressed go free.”

Up to 50% of all homeless women in the country are fleeing domestic violence.  Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women age 15-44, more common than automobile accidents, muggings and rape combined.  During the hour we are in the sanctuary today, more than 240 American women will have been beaten by their intimate partner.

Mark 10:14--“Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs.”

Over 3 million cases of child abuse are reported each year.  Even when they are not directly abused themselves, children who witness abuse are six times more likely to commit suicide, 24 times more likely to commit a sexual assault, 50% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and 74% more likely to commit crimes against others.  Sixty percent of adolescent males in jail for homicide were convicted of killing their mother’s abuser.

Micah 6:8--What does the Lord require?  To do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before God.”

In a national survey by telephone, 38 percent of the women and 16 percent of the men said they had been sexually abused as children. The median age for the abuse was approximately 9 years old.  Boys were more often abused by strangers, girls by family members.  

                    “Honor your father and mother.”

Elder abuse includes physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse, as well as neglect .  It is estimated that only 1 in 4 cases is reported.

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Domestic violence is so pervasive and hidden that everyone hearing this sermon this sermon knows someone who is currently in an abusive relationship.  Everyone!

Today, I say to you:  Victims, survivors, family members and friends, co-workers, neighbors, and those who abuse, hear the good news of the Gospel: 

- God wants you to be free from that which destroys your spirit, to live in joy and safety, with love, and to have life-enriching relationships filled with Christ-like love.

- God wants those who abuse others to be free from that violence and destruction, and to enjoy life-giving relationships based in Christ-like love.

- God wants each and every person to live a life of freedom from that which binds us, to know joy and love, to help those who are in distress, to stand with those who are oppressed, to bring out those who are held captive, to be havens of safety for one another and beacons of justice to the world.

  ”The thief comes to rob and destroy and steal,” says Jesus.  “I have come that you might have abundant life.”

                                                        ~~~~~~

Long after the verbal assaults go silent, long after the cuts and bruises fade from sight, and long after the broken bones have mended, the dreadful after-effects of living in terror can plague survivors for months, years, the rest of their life.  Often, the church has been not a resource for hope, healing and life, but rather a roadblock, taking the side of those who abuse, not listening to, believing the reports of, or recognizing the damage to the mind, body and soul of the victims.  Throughout much of its history, the church has taken the side of those who abuse.

We can do better than that.  The God who created us, and Jesus Christ who redeemed us, are counting on our doing better than that.  The Holy Spirit is among us and will give us wisdom to know the truth, eyes to read scripture properly, ears to hear God’s word for us, and courage both to speak truth and to do justice.  We can, as a church, care for the victims/survivors among us, be a safe congregation for those in need, and hold accountable those who abuse, so that they, too, may be more what God has created them to be. 

As I currently lead a class on domestic violence prevention, it is important to me to speak to the whole church, regarding the biblical and theological underpinnings of Christian family values, particularly as they relate to domestic abuse.  Domestic violence is “a pattern of assaultive or coercive behavior, including physical, sexual, [verbal] and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners or vulnerable family members” (Turn Mourning into Dancing, The General Assembly, PCUSA, 2001). 

Domestic violence tends to escalate in severity and frequency over time.  It usually begins with verbal abuse such as threats, put-downs and intimidation, and violence in the presence of the victims (such as punching a fist through a wall or breaking objects).  It may include punching, tripping, sexual assault, causing bruises or breaking bones.  It may become life-threatening.  Because it tends to escalate over time, victims often become acclimated and don’t realize how increasingly abnormal or dangerous their situation has become.  Because abuse escalates over time, those who abuse may not realize how far they are from who their better selves would want them to be.

I have chosen to focus on today’s scripture because in the class I’ve been leading, numerous people have said these were often quoted as reasons for someone to stay in an abusive situation, or to discount the abuse they were disclosing. 

Based on the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the church even printed these Rules for Marriage in the fifteenth century:                       

“When you see your wife commit an offense, don’t rush at her with insults and violent blows; rather first correct the wrong lovingly...but if your wife is of a servile disposition and has a crude shifty spirit, so that pleasant words have no affect, scold her sharply, bully and terrify her.  And if this still doesn’t work...take up a stick and beat her soundly...for it is better to punish the body and correct the soul than to damage the soul and spare the body....You should beat her...only when she commits a serious wrong; for example, if she blasphemes God or a saint, if she mutters the devil’s name, if she likes being at the window and lends ready ear to dishonest men, or if she has taken to bad habits or bad company, or commits some other wrong that is a mortal sin.  Then readily beat her, not in rage but out of charity and concern for her soul, so that the beating will resound to your merit and good” (The Rules of Marriage, Sienna, 15th Century),.

We find these words astounding and horrifying, but their perspective is still in the background of what many believe about marriage and families. The fifth chapter of Ephesians is used by many denominations and churches, even here in Pasadena, to condone violence against women and children, to accept quick but shallow promises of change from those who abuse, and to send victims back to those who are, at best treating them with disrespect and at worst, with violence. To use scripture in these ways is, however, a dreadful, horrible, often lethal misuse of scripture and misappropriation of God’s Word.  It is not in any way what God intends.  

The instructions for marriage found in Ephesians 5 are so misused and misunderstood that Mark Smutny and I made certain they were not read at our wedding.  Misplaced emphasis or misinterpretations of these texts create substantial problems for many couples.  Most commonly, these directives say wives must “submit” to their husbands.  Usually, this has meant that the wife and children must obey him without question as absolute head of the household, even if that includes abuse. This rationalization is used by those who abuse, as well as by counselors, clergy, and the victims of the abuse themselves.  If you have heard scripture used in this way, I regret its abuse.  If you use this passage in this way, today is a good day to stop.  Here’s why:

A closer look at the actual scriptural references reveals a different picture.  For example: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21) is the way the instructions begin.  This is the first and most important verse in the Ephesians passage on marriage. (What I am going to say today regarding marriage applies also, to those who are in holy unions, for your covenant is just as sacred before God. I’ll trust you to make the translation.)  Ephesians says that husbands and wives are to be mutually subject to one another.  The Greek word for “be subject to” can also be translated “accommodate to” so that verses 21 and 22 might read: “Accommodate to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, accommodate to your husbands as to the Lord.”   It is the same word that Paul uses to describe Christ’s submitting to God and coming to earth.  It is the word for how Jesus’ church “defers” to Christ.  It does not connote mindless subservience.  Nor does it authorize God to abuse Christ, or Jesus to abuse the disciples and the church.   

Husbands are told to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  The character of the relationship between husband and wife is based on Christ’s relationship with the church.  Jesus’s relationship to his followers was not one of dominance or authoritarianism, but rather one of servanthood, as in John 13:1-15, where we are told that Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. None of us can imagine Jesus disguising hostile comments towards his disciples as jokes, hitting or intimidating them. As Christ loves and cares for the church, so too, a good husband will not dominate or control his wife but will serve and care for her.   

Why do people stay for such a long time in abusive relationships?  Often, as I have said, they don’t realize what the situation really is.  In addition, many Christians take the promise of faithfulness “for better or for worse...until death do us part” to mean “stay in the marriage no matter what.”  Marriage should be taken very seriously and is an important family value.  It is a primary religious obligation and should not be entered into or discarded flippantly.  The covenant of Christian marriage or holy union is a lifelong, sacred commitment made between two persons and witnessed by other persons and by God.  It involves a mutual giving of self to the other.  It is assumed to be lasting.  It values mutuality, respect, and equality between persons.

Nevertheless, since the days of Deuteronomy, scripture has recognized the unfortunate reality that some couples are hopelessly incompatible and divorce may be a necessary option.  In particular, in relationships where abuse occurs, the marriage covenant is not broken at the point when the victim seeks a divorce.  It is broken at the time the other partner used violence or became abusive.   A covenant relationship only works if both partners are able and willing to work on it.  God does not expect anyone to become a doormat and stay in a situation that is abusive.  Just as Jesus did not expect his disciples to remain in a village that did not respect and care for them, but to leave and shake the dust from their sandals (Luke 9:1-6), neither does he expect anyone to remain in a family relationship where she or he is abused and violated. 

If there is a genuine effort to change on the part of the one who is abusive, it is possible to renew the marriage covenant, including a clear commitment to nonviolence.  With treatment for the family members, it may be possible to salvage the relationship. 

Let me be clear:  In abusive homes, divorce is not breaking up families.  Violence and abuse are breaking up families.  Divorce is often the painful, public acknowledgment of an already accomplished fact.  While divorce is never easy, it is, in the case of family violence, the lesser evil.  In many cases, divorce may be a necessary family value and intervention to generate healing and new life.

Lastly, the commandment to “honor thy father and mother,” is intended for children to care for their parents in old age, providing not only respect, but food and shelter, as well.  In Ephesians, fathers are instructed to be Christ-like in their behavior, which would certainly include love, mercy, and compassion.  Even Proverbs 13:2, “Those who spare the rod hate their children; but those who love them are diligent to discipline them,”  referred to a shepherd’s staff, used to count sheep, divide them into groups and guide them by pushing against their sides.  It was not used to hit or beat a sheep, for that was known to be counterproductive.  No legitimate argument can be made that these scriptures authorize parents to be violent towards their children, even if they are considered too independent, disrespectful or irritating.  To those who heard these scriptures under the blow of a belt, at the end of a fist, with fire in the eyes, or in the middle of the night, I regret that Holy Scripture was used against you.  It should never have been so.  If any of you use these scripture in this way, today is a good day to stop.

In the end, as in the beginning, God has placed us in families for love, nurture, safety and joy.  Parents are to be cared for, and children are to be shown the same type of love Jesus demonstrated when he welcomed and blessed them.   For those who are graced with a life partner with whom to share the journey, it is God’s will that these relationships be based on respect, compassion, mutuality and Christ-like love.  

As we confront the misuse of scripture, we transform church and society so power is no longer defined as control and where rage no longer destroys our most precious relationships.

As we confront injustice, the church becomes a safe haven, a sacred space for the broken, the battered, the abused, and all who yearn to be free.

We talk about hope.  Our hope rests in Jesus Christ, who himself died at the hands of violent people.  Yet in his brief lifetime, as he blessed children, as he honored women, as he healed the sick and welcomed the outcast, he taught us how to live together in peace.        

We proclaim resurrection.  New life is born.  Wounds are made whole.                                                                                              

We live Christian family values: lifting up every member of every family, for all are precious in God’s eyes, all deserve to live free of fear, full of hope and love.   “I came that they may have life,” says Jesus, “and have it abundantly.”   Thanks be to God.  Amen.